30 days :: 18

Reading to self..
Originally uploaded by Lalabaloobah

So, I have to tell you, that right now, I feel so torn inside. My little one, who I think is growing and maturing like the little beautiful boy he is, has been somewhat deemed as "unsure." Let me explain...

We are trying to reserve a spot for him in a nearby Waldorf school, a very established school mind you, for Kinder next year. I have been a stay at home Mama for almost all of his 4 years..actually, for all of them!!

But when he was about 11 months, he had a terrible fall on a water glass that punctured his scalp and brain. Rushed to the emergency room at 5am of my husband's 30 birthday, they removed the glass and called a neurologist in. She arrived with news that he was fine, except for two things: one, that there was a sliver of bone embedded in his brain and two, he has/had Hydrocephalus, or "water on the brain." Now, this Hydrocephalus is not uncommon, it's actually running around in all of its ugliness in many children from birth to adolescents. And my little boy never had the physical signs of it since he is such a large kiddo. So, after an initial surgery of removing the embedded bone, a shunt device was placed.

Now, at the time, I was in shock, panic, depression, and clearly not myself, but the developmental milestones that he was not making, all of a sudden, appeared overnight. As if an angel arrived and began the process of rebuilding, redoing, and readusting my little boys life. So from no crawling to crawling, from no words to words, and from no standing to standing..all in less than 2 months! His fall was a God send and I still thank him daily for that, for that awful, blood everywhere, fall.

But, now, we are noticing awkwardness...physical awkwardness..in how he runs, in how he has difficulty doing a few finer motor details. And I tell myself, he's 4, he's just FOUR! Our neurologist told us there may be a few things that show up in his life, learning difficulties and what have you, for he'll have the shunt for the rest of his life. But what I thought was "normal" is not according to the preschool he attends and the Waldorf school for his future. His socialization skills aren't up to par, according to the teacher elites..he doesn't sit still for extended periods, wants to run around, etc. And we don't have a TV for God's sake, never have!! (I'm sorry for ranting and ramblin', but I need some one to hear me!!)

So, I'm feeling a bit down...like my son now has a question mark over his head. And I have never, never in my life, just wanted to run away from it all. Even if just for a moment, to be with God, in complete silence to have a glimmer or an answer if all is "okay."

But I'm here, keepin' on...and I want all of you to know that my son is no question mark. He is mine, he is beautiful, and I'll do what it takes to make sure that he is never "deemed" as unfit....